Some how, Niles felt that Gabe was talking about now, not then. He'd already told others, including Nolan, what his intentions were. But not Amanda herself. Some how, when he was with her, he was no more than a kid again. An awkward teenager who would rather have his nose in a book than speak to someone he liked. All sweaty palms and stammering words. The charm came later, when he learned to push all of that down. It was all fear. All terror. Of judgement, of rejection, of being hurt in so many ways. No matter how big or small, he could push it aside in ways he'd never dreamed of at fifteen. But with Amanda, it was different. He didn't want to push it aside. He wanted to feel everything there was when she was around. It made him feel alive.

But the thought of losing Gabe was worse than any rejection ever could be. He'd been so jealous when he'd be woken by his dormmate's trysts. It wasn't Gabe he envied, but the girls. He'd never had the courage to admit it. Even in all the years since. How did one explain lying awake just to listen to the sounds he made? Lingering unnecessarily just to catch a glimpse of him coming out the shower. Pretending to focus on studying to catch a glimpse of the other changing out of the corner of his eye. Every touch, no matter how innocent or platonic, feeling like an electric shock. How did one express even a fraction of that without sounding like a freak? Some sort of sick, voyeuristic pervert. And no matter how bad he'd had it for Gabe, it was a thousand times worse for Connor.

"I would never leave you," he said, sounding desperate. He reached out for Gabe's shoulder, trying to reassure him. "after all these years, you know I can't. What we have, it's...it's different than what I could have with her."