Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

[palmstraps]

Niles was working late. More than settled in Defiance, now that Amanda was working for him. Better than that, she understood him. For the first time since he'd been a teenager, he shared the story of what had happened to him. Gabe had always told him that it was a terrible idea. It was better if only the two of them knew that horrible nightmare. But Gabe hadn't been there with him. Hadn't been there when his truck was held up and he was forced to strip. He didn't understand. He'd escaped that awful eleven days as one of the lucky few who hadn't been subjected to that awful treatment. And when Amanda had asked, he'd refused to share. Remembering his friend's words of warning. Of what someone might think of him. But with Amanda there, so caring and so gentle without prying, he'd opened up in a way he hadn't thought possible.

He felt better than he could ever remember. Amanda was finally warming to him. His plan with Doctor Yewll was going as smoothly as could be expected, now that the possible tech had been procured. Soon he'd be able to play the hero and rescue the sister thought dead. He'd be a hero and she'd never doubt him again. The only shadow over it all was that he hadn't heard from Gabe in almost a week. Not since his roller had been attacked.

That's how it always went, it seemed. Gabe couldn't be found when Niles needed him more than anything. Especially when it related to that day in particular. Just as he hadn't been there the day he'd been attacked. Yet he always seemed so incredibly jealous that Connor had been the one there to comfort Niles. It was something that he frequently questioned but tried so hard to not think about. Of everyone, Gabe had escaped without much in the way of injury. The rest of the students shunned him after that, and seemed to think Niles unwell for sticking by his friend.

Niles set down his pen, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in the dim light of his office. He needed to figure out a way to get Amanda unconscious. Deep enough that she could be given an injection in the back of her neck and not be woken up. Gabe was usually such a good sounding board for these things. Where the hell was he?

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[musicboxings]

"You can't," Gabe shook his head, chest heaving, not afraid of how he's crying. He's afraid that he's going to leave; that Niles will move on.

Niles can't move on.

If Niles moves on, then Niles won't remember him, simple as that.

He shook his head a second time, hand gripping the Mayor's as tight as he possibly can. He's kneeling, head pressed against his chest as he pulls the other into an embrace.

"You can't leave me, I love you, Niles."

[palmstraps]

He wanted so desperately to wrap his arms around Gabe, to just hold him close and not let go. To assure him that he wouldn't leave, that they'd never be torn apart. Because Gabe was all he had, now that Connor was gone. The last, lingering piece of a past he could never reclaim. If he allowed Yewll to take that from him, he'd have nothing. But he couldn't hold Gabe. He was strapped to the damn bed and couldn't do anything.

But then Gabe uttered that word. That singular, terrifying word. And Niles stopped. It wasn't that he'd been actively fighting the bonds, but he'd been tense. All at once, that bled out of him. Not defeat, but something else. Love wasn't what they had. It had never been love. Niles loved Amanda, he'd loved Connor. But he didn't love Gabe, not the way he seemed to say it. Like a friend, like a brother. Someone he shared a strong connection with. But love?

Niles tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling for a moment. And in that moment, it was like he could see the cracks and seams of where Gabe had been artificially inserted into his life. In a blink it was gone, but it left behind a conviction. Without Gabe, he would lose his connection to his past. But if this kept up, he would lose his chance at a future he'd been working towards since awful night.

"Gabe..." he said, quiet but firm. "I have to."

[musicboxings]

"You don't have to." Gabe's voice is sharp. Somewhat terrifying, and there's tears staining his face as he reaches over to the other's arm and grips. As hard as he can, as tight as he can. His chest is beginning to heave, he kneels down the other.

"Niles, you can't. You can't leave me like this. What'll happen? I've always been there for you. Always."

He can't lose Niles. He can't: doesn't even realize that he'd told the other he loves them, or that he's closer than normal. He's always been close, always been just a whisper away. And now? Now that's going. "You're going to let some snake skin dyke control you? Really?"

[palmstraps]

Niles closed his eyes, trying to ignore Gabe. But it was more than just words. He couldn't pull his arm away, and it had little to do with the strap around his wrist. Those fingers around his arm were too tight for him to pull free. And those words were subtle suggestions whispering straight to his subconscious.

Part of him knew this. Knew exactly what Gabe was. But it was so hard to all himself to see it. Gabe was all he had left of Connor. Connor who had been the one to guide everything in his career. The one who led him to New York, then to Defiance.

"I'm not letting anyone control me." The first step. Slowly, he opened his eyes, letting out a slow breath, his gaze fixing on Gabe. "I've let someone else do that for long enough." Another slow breath as he shifted his head on the pillow. Making himself look as strong and defiant as possible while strapped to a hospital bed. "It's time I took control for myself." His tone at least hit the right commanding note.

[musicboxings]

“Right. Right--take over for yourself. Don’t let this bitch use you!” His gaze is dark, eyes a stormy, unforgiving blue as he reaches from the gurney and puts a soft hand on the other’s cheek. He strokes softly, caring. Emphatic.

“Remember what she is. Remember what she did to you--what happened. She doesn’t care about you, she only cares about your brain--Niles. Niles, if you let her do this you might get seriously messed with. And I don’t want to lose you--I don’t want to lose you like I lost Conor. Like we lost Conor. “ He’s pulling out all the stops.

“You don’t want that. You don’t want a world without me; without the only thing you have left of him. And I don’t want that for you, either.”

[palmstraps]

Each word sent cracks through the new foundation Niles had found. Each statement a crushing blow to what was supposed to be unbreakable stone. He could feel those words creeping in, digging under his resistance. Icy fingers that made him long for warmth, which he could only find in Gabe. Because Gabe was right. He didn't want a word without him. But he needed it. He needed to live his own life, without the influence of someone who was--just someone who shouldn't be there.

No, Niles. You can't shy away from it. Face it. That's the only way to get rid of him. But trying to force his mind to what he knew was like trying to walk over ice. He couldn't get traction, he couldn't get his mind to hold the truth.

"Not her," he said through clenched teeth, closing his eyes and pressing his head back against the pillow. "You." He squeezed his eyes tighter, trying to will Gabe out of his life. "I won't let you use me." Saying it made him sick to his stomach, but he forced out each word.