Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

[palmstraps]

Niles was working late. More than settled in Defiance, now that Amanda was working for him. Better than that, she understood him. For the first time since he'd been a teenager, he shared the story of what had happened to him. Gabe had always told him that it was a terrible idea. It was better if only the two of them knew that horrible nightmare. But Gabe hadn't been there with him. Hadn't been there when his truck was held up and he was forced to strip. He didn't understand. He'd escaped that awful eleven days as one of the lucky few who hadn't been subjected to that awful treatment. And when Amanda had asked, he'd refused to share. Remembering his friend's words of warning. Of what someone might think of him. But with Amanda there, so caring and so gentle without prying, he'd opened up in a way he hadn't thought possible.

He felt better than he could ever remember. Amanda was finally warming to him. His plan with Doctor Yewll was going as smoothly as could be expected, now that the possible tech had been procured. Soon he'd be able to play the hero and rescue the sister thought dead. He'd be a hero and she'd never doubt him again. The only shadow over it all was that he hadn't heard from Gabe in almost a week. Not since his roller had been attacked.

That's how it always went, it seemed. Gabe couldn't be found when Niles needed him more than anything. Especially when it related to that day in particular. Just as he hadn't been there the day he'd been attacked. Yet he always seemed so incredibly jealous that Connor had been the one there to comfort Niles. It was something that he frequently questioned but tried so hard to not think about. Of everyone, Gabe had escaped without much in the way of injury. The rest of the students shunned him after that, and seemed to think Niles unwell for sticking by his friend.

Niles set down his pen, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in the dim light of his office. He needed to figure out a way to get Amanda unconscious. Deep enough that she could be given an injection in the back of her neck and not be woken up. Gabe was usually such a good sounding board for these things. Where the hell was he?

Comments

[musicboxings]

"I can make everything better," Gabe's not quite purring, but his looks have a strange, satisfied look to them. His words are like a lullaby, and after a quiet moment of the two of them dancing to nothing.

There's silence. A beautiful silence, and Gabe is lost in the moment. Niles is, too, and Gabe knows he is, because Gabe can feel it. Feel his power over the other, a gentle tug. A whispering voice in his own head that it's going to be okay. That Niles won't leave him, not after this.

That Gabe doesn't have to be alone.

"Just close your eyes," He states. "Close your eyes and come with me." And, as they turned, he begins to hum.

[palmstraps]

The world seemed to be slipping away. Nothing else seemed to matter. Just the warmth so close to him. Gabe. So familiar. His only link to the past. To Connor. To what used to be. And such a beautiful voice. Niles seemed to melt into that softly hummed sing, his eyes falling close. He seemed lighter, now. Moving more easily with Gabe's guidance. Gliding through the room. He was light headed, his fingers feeling numb.

The world grew distant and dim. He couldn't feel his hands. And still he followed Gabe's every step. "Lead the way..." he breathed out. It was like they were in a spotlight. Just the two of them, everything else too dark to see...

***

"Hey." The voice was sharp and firm. The sort of tone that never tolerated nonsense. "I know you're in there. Now wake up."

Niles eyelid was pride open by gloved fingers, his vision invaded by a blinding light. He tried to lift his hand to fend it off, but his movement was halted. By tubes and something tight around his wrist. "What...where am..." but his throat hurt, his voice a barely audible croak.

"You've been unconscious for three days," Yewll said, lowering her pen light. "You're lucky Amanda found you when she did. Ten more minutes and you would have bled out. I'd ask what you were thinking, but I'd actually want the truth."

"What..." Niles managed again, trying to remember what happened.

Yewll let out an irritated sigh and flipped open a chart. She seemed to be reciting off it directly. "Self inflicted lacerations to forearms and wrists. Blood alcohol level bordering on alcohol poisoning. Restrained for fear of harm to self and others." She looked up as he cleared his throat, trying to swallow. "You can thank the tube that kept you breathing for these last few days." With little in the way of gentleness, she pushed an ice chip between his lips.

He let it melt on his tongue as she checked the rest of him. Pulse, IVs, bandages, blood pressure. A little less parched, he found his voice a little easier. "Where's Gabe?" he asked, his voice still rough.

She almost dropped the chart she'd been jotting notes on. Slowly, she looked up, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Did you just say what I think you said?"

"Gabe...he was..." Niles tried to gesture, so he could indicate what he meant, but the leather cuff halted him, winching as it rubbed one of his stitched wounds.

[musicboxings]

"Right here," Gabe assures, and suddenly he's there, all looming but gentle. His hands dance around the other's hand before lacing his fingers with Niles', soft hands on scarred palms.

"Right here, you don't have to say anything else." It's better if he didn't--it's better for both of them, with Yewll looking suspicious already. He kneels down so he's level with the bed, reaches out with his free hand and strokes the other's cheek.

"I'm here. I'm here, Niles. Have been." 'And you don't need her,' he wants to add. 'and you won't ever need her.' "Just close your eyes, go back to sleep..."

[palmstraps]

Just hearing that voice was enough to calm Niles. The hand on his, he settled against the bed, a faint smile on his face. Sleep sounded amazing. His head tilted against that warm hand, just giving a small nod.

"Eyes on me," Yewll snapped. Her firm hand grabbed him by the chin, yanking his head to look directly at her. He tried to turn his head back to Gabe, but a hard yank kept him in place. "Tell me you didn't say Gabe."

A worried frown settled on Niles' face, his eyebrows knitting together as he she let go of his face. Why was she so angry. He started to say something but she threw up a hand to stop him.

"No. I'm not going to listen to your delusions again."

Again?

"I did some digging after the last time. He wouldn't happen to be Gabriel Goodman, would he? Son of Diane and Dan Goodman."

He squeezed Gabe's hand, looking to his friend in a panic. He couldn't find the words to express the tightness in his chest. "What's..."

[musicboxings]

Gabe's face is ashen, looking less on fire and far more sullen. Solemn.

Urgent.

He sits this time, panic setting in. Wanting to think quickly, wanting to save himself. Wanting to save Niles, but the problem is that Yewll is smart. Too smart, too precise. Yewll is an Indogene that knows too much about humans. Too much about him.

"Don't listen to her, Niles, listen to me. Focus on me. You have the authority, right? Dismiss her, she's full of shit anyway. Pull some mayor shit and have her leave me the fuck alone, because there's no way I'm warranting a response."

[palmstraps]

Niles started to panic. He pulled at his restraints, trying to sit up. He wanted to tell Gabe it would okay. To tell Yewll to stop talking. To do what Gabe asked. But speaking was still rather difficult. Even a few words hurt a great deal, and took effort to get started. Before he could utter more than a syllable of reassurance when a rough had yanked his gaze away from Gabe. His fingers tightened around Gabe's hand. He wouldn't let go.

"Stop..." he croaked, trying to to sound authoritative. But Yewll was one of the few who didn't respond to his authority.

"I'm going to take that as a yes. Gabriel Goodman died in a VC assault on a boarding school in England. You're from somewhere around there, aren't you?" She patted his cheek. "Brutal stuff. Better let him go before it impairs your job." She nodded to his bandaged arms. "Further," she added.

"It's not...he didn't..." He looked to Gabe for answers. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. And yet, having heard it, he knew. Deep down. That jagged memory that kept teasing him. Gabe telling his friend to look after Niles. To hold him tight. They needed to protect the younger boy. A shout. A fight. A scream. The awful, coppery smell of blood eclipsing the foulness in the air. But Gabe had been there AFTER. He couldn't be gone.

[musicboxings]

Gabriel Goodman can lie, but he can't deny the truth.

Gabe's shaking. Panicking. He's staring at Yewll in disbelief, and that's when a few tears manage to escape as he lets out a strange gasp, sounding less like what he really was and more of a scared, panicking 16 year old.

And yet, he can't deny it. Can't say anything , even of he opens his mouth.

That hand... That hand squeezing his and Gabe squeezes right back, shaking his head as vigorously as the rest of his body. Niles can't let go of him. Niles can't leave him alone.

"Niles, she's going to tell you she can make me go away and I--I need you to be strong and say no. If I can't be with you I--I--you gotta say no, Niles. I'm helping you. You know that. "

[palmstraps]

Niles held tight, managing a nod. He needed to save his voice to tell Yewll to stop. That he was fine and healthy and it wouldn't happen again. She was wrong. She had to be. Gabe had been there every step of the way. He'd fought alongside Niles, been there for him in his darkest moments.

"The last time we went down to check on your little pet project, you wouldn't stop talking to him," Yewll explained. "Arguing even. And--" She tapped his cheek again, to get him took at her. "And it sounded like you were scolding a child."

"Drop it," Niles said, his tone starting to sound firmer. "He's--"

"If you're going to talk, you're going to tell me what happened. End of story." But that was met with Niles' eyebrows drawing down, perplexed. "What got you here. You weren't any weirder than normal when I'd talked to you that afternoon."

"Connor," Niles summarized. "Gabe. We drank. His idea." Niles squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing hard.

"That's it," she said, as if giving up. Her hands planted on the rail of his bed. "We've got two options. But I'm not going to sit here and play therapist to a sorry sack like you. So we're going to stick a probe inside your skull and shock that kid right out of your system."

"NO!" Niles tried to shout, but it just sent him into a coughing fit. He yanked hard at the restraints, but Yewll was already stepping away from the bed.

[musicboxings]

"NO!" It's said at the exact time Niles says it, loud and raw and full of emotion. "Do you want to forgot? That stuff messes with your memory. Do you want to forget me? Connor?! Because I can come back, I /need/ to come back, but Connor--Connor can't anymore. Don't do it, Niles. Fight it. Fight HER. "

He pushes away from Niles, rage in his eyes like nothing before--it happened, that look. Once, in the past. Someone picked on Natalie and Gabe didn't rest until the bully was sent to the infirmary ward. He stands right behind Yewll. Watching her. Storming. Not touching her, never touching, but always there. Lingering.

"You can't trust her. You've seen that. She's done so many things...how do you know she's not the indogene that held you down? She's killed so many people...what if this is just a tactic to shit you up? Do help that /thing/ you're building get memories so she can hurt Amanda? She's already hurting you." A breath.

"Niles.... Niles, I don't want to go. "

[palmstraps]

They were both talking at the same time, Gabe and Yewll. Niles couldn't focus on them both, Gabe's words seeming to drown out the explanation that the doctor was giving. Something about mild electrical charges and the problems that could happen and how it was their only option. But he couldn't hear her. He only saw that look in Gabe's face behind her. Terrifying and ominous.

It was Gabe's prodding that gave Niles the idea. A way to derail this whole thing and so he could get out of there. His gaze shifted to Yewll, trying to reach for her despite the cuff around his wrist. "The EGO..." he croaked out.

"Already taken care of," she said with finality. "Slipped your girlfriend a sedative when she came to see you. Looked like she could use the sleep. Which you're about to get more of."

Without waiting to see what Niles was trying desperately to say, she walked away. Presumably to get the necessary equipment.

Niles looked frantically to Gabe. "I won't let her do it," he managed to say.

[musicboxings]

"You can't," Gabe shook his head, chest heaving, not afraid of how he's crying. He's afraid that he's going to leave; that Niles will move on.

Niles can't move on.

If Niles moves on, then Niles won't remember him, simple as that.

He shook his head a second time, hand gripping the Mayor's as tight as he possibly can. He's kneeling, head pressed against his chest as he pulls the other into an embrace.

"You can't leave me, I love you, Niles."

[palmstraps]

He wanted so desperately to wrap his arms around Gabe, to just hold him close and not let go. To assure him that he wouldn't leave, that they'd never be torn apart. Because Gabe was all he had, now that Connor was gone. The last, lingering piece of a past he could never reclaim. If he allowed Yewll to take that from him, he'd have nothing. But he couldn't hold Gabe. He was strapped to the damn bed and couldn't do anything.

But then Gabe uttered that word. That singular, terrifying word. And Niles stopped. It wasn't that he'd been actively fighting the bonds, but he'd been tense. All at once, that bled out of him. Not defeat, but something else. Love wasn't what they had. It had never been love. Niles loved Amanda, he'd loved Connor. But he didn't love Gabe, not the way he seemed to say it. Like a friend, like a brother. Someone he shared a strong connection with. But love?

Niles tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling for a moment. And in that moment, it was like he could see the cracks and seams of where Gabe had been artificially inserted into his life. In a blink it was gone, but it left behind a conviction. Without Gabe, he would lose his connection to his past. But if this kept up, he would lose his chance at a future he'd been working towards since awful night.

"Gabe..." he said, quiet but firm. "I have to."

[musicboxings]

"You don't have to." Gabe's voice is sharp. Somewhat terrifying, and there's tears staining his face as he reaches over to the other's arm and grips. As hard as he can, as tight as he can. His chest is beginning to heave, he kneels down the other.

"Niles, you can't. You can't leave me like this. What'll happen? I've always been there for you. Always."

He can't lose Niles. He can't: doesn't even realize that he'd told the other he loves them, or that he's closer than normal. He's always been close, always been just a whisper away. And now? Now that's going. "You're going to let some snake skin dyke control you? Really?"

[palmstraps]

Niles closed his eyes, trying to ignore Gabe. But it was more than just words. He couldn't pull his arm away, and it had little to do with the strap around his wrist. Those fingers around his arm were too tight for him to pull free. And those words were subtle suggestions whispering straight to his subconscious.

Part of him knew this. Knew exactly what Gabe was. But it was so hard to all himself to see it. Gabe was all he had left of Connor. Connor who had been the one to guide everything in his career. The one who led him to New York, then to Defiance.

"I'm not letting anyone control me." The first step. Slowly, he opened his eyes, letting out a slow breath, his gaze fixing on Gabe. "I've let someone else do that for long enough." Another slow breath as he shifted his head on the pillow. Making himself look as strong and defiant as possible while strapped to a hospital bed. "It's time I took control for myself." His tone at least hit the right commanding note.

[musicboxings]

“Right. Right--take over for yourself. Don’t let this bitch use you!” His gaze is dark, eyes a stormy, unforgiving blue as he reaches from the gurney and puts a soft hand on the other’s cheek. He strokes softly, caring. Emphatic.

“Remember what she is. Remember what she did to you--what happened. She doesn’t care about you, she only cares about your brain--Niles. Niles, if you let her do this you might get seriously messed with. And I don’t want to lose you--I don’t want to lose you like I lost Conor. Like we lost Conor. “ He’s pulling out all the stops.

“You don’t want that. You don’t want a world without me; without the only thing you have left of him. And I don’t want that for you, either.”

[palmstraps]

Each word sent cracks through the new foundation Niles had found. Each statement a crushing blow to what was supposed to be unbreakable stone. He could feel those words creeping in, digging under his resistance. Icy fingers that made him long for warmth, which he could only find in Gabe. Because Gabe was right. He didn't want a word without him. But he needed it. He needed to live his own life, without the influence of someone who was--just someone who shouldn't be there.

No, Niles. You can't shy away from it. Face it. That's the only way to get rid of him. But trying to force his mind to what he knew was like trying to walk over ice. He couldn't get traction, he couldn't get his mind to hold the truth.

"Not her," he said through clenched teeth, closing his eyes and pressing his head back against the pillow. "You." He squeezed his eyes tighter, trying to will Gabe out of his life. "I won't let you use me." Saying it made him sick to his stomach, but he forced out each word.