palmstraps | Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

Niles was working late. More than settled in Defiance, now that Amanda was working for him. Better than that, she understood him. For the first time since he'd been a teenager, he shared the story of what had happened to him. Gabe had always told him that it was a terrible idea. It was better if only the two of them knew that horrible nightmare. But Gabe hadn't been there with him. Hadn't been there when his truck was held up and he was forced to strip. He didn't understand. He'd escaped that awful eleven days as one of the lucky few who hadn't been subjected to that awful treatment. And when Amanda had asked, he'd refused to share. Remembering his friend's words of warning. Of what someone might think of him. But with Amanda there, so caring and so gentle without prying, he'd opened up in a way he hadn't thought possible.

He felt better than he could ever remember. Amanda was finally warming to him. His plan with Doctor Yewll was going as smoothly as could be expected, now that the possible tech had been procured. Soon he'd be able to play the hero and rescue the sister thought dead. He'd be a hero and she'd never doubt him again. The only shadow over it all was that he hadn't heard from Gabe in almost a week. Not since his roller had been attacked.

That's how it always went, it seemed. Gabe couldn't be found when Niles needed him more than anything. Especially when it related to that day in particular. Just as he hadn't been there the day he'd been attacked. Yet he always seemed so incredibly jealous that Connor had been the one there to comfort Niles. It was something that he frequently questioned but tried so hard to not think about. Of everyone, Gabe had escaped without much in the way of injury. The rest of the students shunned him after that, and seemed to think Niles unwell for sticking by his friend.

Niles set down his pen, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in the dim light of his office. He needed to figure out a way to get Amanda unconscious. Deep enough that she could be given an injection in the back of her neck and not be woken up. Gabe was usually such a good sounding board for these things. Where the hell was he?

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"She trusts you."

He's still staring away, gaze far, away, looking at the horizon. Thinking. There's a pain in his eyes, something he tries to hide from Niles. The other is touching him, hands on shoulders, but Gabe's not there. Not truly.

Niles was slipping. Slipping, slipping, and Gabe's fist clenches. He can't loose Niles. He's too hungry, too vibrant.

Too alive.

"Close the deal for what?"

"For the Republic," Niles assured, feeling his chest tighten. They'd been over this. Gabe knew more than anyone what they were doing. What all of this was for.

"Amanda has a great deal of influence here. If we win her over, I can win the election and actually have the power to change this place. I..."

He let out a slow breath, shaking his head. Gabe already knew all of this. Niles reached up, a hand on the young man's cheek, trying to make the other look at him. "She could trust you, too. You just need to give her a chance to see the real you."

He tears his gaze away from the window, that hand on his cheek, but doesn't look at Niles. Instead, he's looking just at his jaw, not quite making his gaze.

Amanda. Amanda. All Niles talked about was Amanda. He could handle it with Connor, with the man that they both lost.

"Amanda doesn't understand," He says softly. His lower lip juts out not in a pout, but it's nothing faked. He looks like, for a moment, he's going to cry. "Amanda will never understand, because she wasn't there. I was there. I saw you, and.... And what they did... You don't need Amanda," He mumbles, and his hand moves up. Touching Niles' cheek, mirroring his movements. He leans forward, gently touching their foreheads together.

"You just need me."

Niles closed his eyes, just focusing on the contact. As if he could just will Gabe to understand the nuances of this. It wasn't the same. He doubted he could ever actually love Amanda. Or anyone. Even what he and Gabe had, it was certainly a bond, but it wasn't love. That was something he just wasn't capable of. But couldn't he just have more than one person who understood? She didn't have to have been there to know his pain. He saw that in her eyes when he'd told her. All she needed was the story, and it was as though the monster didn't exist anymore. Just like all of those old world stories. The monster only killed because it wasn't given a choice. All it needed was a gentle touch to remember that it too had once been human...

His thumb rubbed at Gabe's cheek, his other hand wrapping around his waist to pull him closer. He'd never let go of his friend, he knew that. They'd always have something because there wasn't anyone else left who had been there. But they could have more, couldn't they? Other people who'd survived the war with scars well beyond the physical.

Gabe needed to know. It wasn't his place to tell Amanda's story, but Gabe needed it. "She may not have been there, but someone else...someone did the same thing to her."

He's pulled closer and Gabe's head pulls back slightly, listening to the other. It's when the other mentions Amanda, mentions all she's gone through, that makes him scoff and push him away. He really does act like a teenager at times--rebellious. Pushy. He's always been a little shit.

Even here, it hasn't changed.

"Who cares?! She's fucking the law keeper. I mean, look at her, she needs to fix things. That's what she does, she fixes things. People. And we can't be fixed, Niles. We can't. You're her replacement for fixing her sister because her sister is actually dead somewhere in a ditch. She doesn't like you, she likes the IDEA of you. I don't want you around her, it's too painful for me to watch."

And, softer: "I don't like seeing you destroying yourself."

Niles' grip tightened, wanting to stop Gabe before he could say anything more. Before he could rip any deeper. But he knew better. He knew he couldn't guard against those barbs as they sank deep into him, tearing him open.

Usually, it worked so well. He'd hold on tighter. Agree with Gabe that he was beyond fixing. But what he'd felt with Amanda, it was so incredibly REAL. Unlike anything he'd felt with anyone else. It was just enough for him to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could be fixed. Or close to it.

Even as Gabe's voice softened, Niles pulled away. He withdrew his hands, stepping back. "Is it so bad to want to be fixed?" He asked, sounding wounded. "She lost her sister. And Connor. I've lost--" His stomach twisted. There was that sense again. That elusive memory. What was it?! "--so much. She could be good for us both!"

"Fine!" Gabe spun around, face full of fire, all consuming, all encompassing. "What do you think you're going to tell her, hmmm? She knows some of your secrets. You want her to understand you? Us?"

His scoff is back, the rude, unapologetic teenager. The one desperately trying to fit in to a world where even the humans he stayed with had different customs. He shakes his head, not moving from where he is. Right in Niles' face, wondering why he wasn't clinging to him like usual. Why he wasn't able to latch onto him.

"Tell her about the brush, if she understands you so well."

Edited 2015-06-16 01:56 (UTC)

Niles wanted more than anything to cling to Gabe, to hold him tight and assure him that they'd never be apart. But he knew just how much he needed this, needed her. Something to validate him, without judgement. Someone who saw what he was, wrapped their arms around him and without judgement or strings would tell him everything would be okay.

Like Connor had.

He could never have that with Gabe. They were too close. It was too complicated. Amanda was different. Something new and welcome and bright. Something he so desperately needed.

The brush. It was like a slap in the face. Gabe could never just let him have anything. It always came back to something old. Something he'd thought he'd forgotten for good. Something he'd long since forgiven himself for. "I was a teenager," he tried to argue. "You would have done the same thing in my place!" But his words lacked conviction. Connor had been pulling away. He needed just something to hold on to. Some reminder of the boy who would soon return home to New York. Who would miss a lock of hair?

"No, I wouldn't. You know what I did, when I liked someone? Told them." Slept with them, more like. There were quite a few girls that had been snuck up in the room. And Gabe would say so many things to them, snuggling under the covers, thinking Niles was asleep. Things about how he was jealous of his younger sister for being so good at everything. Things like how his dorm mate looked like a dweeb and Gabe knows he gives him a hard time, but that Niles is a good kid who's going places and Gabe doesn't have a future planned for himself at all.

He turns back. Looks, hard, at Niles. Tears threatening to spill, half in frustration and half in sadness.

"I don't want you to leave me," He confesses. "I don't want to lose what we have."

Some how, Niles felt that Gabe was talking about now, not then. He'd already told others, including Nolan, what his intentions were. But not Amanda herself. Some how, when he was with her, he was no more than a kid again. An awkward teenager who would rather have his nose in a book than speak to someone he liked. All sweaty palms and stammering words. The charm came later, when he learned to push all of that down. It was all fear. All terror. Of judgement, of rejection, of being hurt in so many ways. No matter how big or small, he could push it aside in ways he'd never dreamed of at fifteen. But with Amanda, it was different. He didn't want to push it aside. He wanted to feel everything there was when she was around. It made him feel alive.

But the thought of losing Gabe was worse than any rejection ever could be. He'd been so jealous when he'd be woken by his dormmate's trysts. It wasn't Gabe he envied, but the girls. He'd never had the courage to admit it. Even in all the years since. How did one explain lying awake just to listen to the sounds he made? Lingering unnecessarily just to catch a glimpse of him coming out the shower. Pretending to focus on studying to catch a glimpse of the other changing out of the corner of his eye. Every touch, no matter how innocent or platonic, feeling like an electric shock. How did one express even a fraction of that without sounding like a freak? Some sort of sick, voyeuristic pervert. And no matter how bad he'd had it for Gabe, it was a thousand times worse for Connor.

"I would never leave you," he said, sounding desperate. He reached out for Gabe's shoulder, trying to reassure him. "after all these years, you know I can't. What we have, it's...it's different than what I could have with her."

Gabe spins around again as soon as those arms are on his shoulders. Curls up to the other, burying his face in Niles' neck. Arms wrap around him tightly. A forlorn lover afraid of someone cheating.

A sickness clinging to a body.

"Promise me," He says. "Promise me and I'll do everything I can to help you, but Niles, I'm not leaving. I'll never leave you and you can't ever leave me, alright? After..."

He trails off. Wipes his tears on the back of his hand, still hugging Niles. Still trying to struggle on what to focus on. "Amanda doesn't know you like I do."

Niles arms close around Gabe without hesitation, holding him tight. A tension he hadn't been aware of seemed to ease from around his chest, allowing him to breathe just a little easier. He rests his cheek against Gabe, just slowly breathing him in. Familiar. Comfortable. Amanda could give him things that Gabe could not, but she'd never be that. She'd never have that familiarity. Like a piece of a home that doesn't exist anymore.

"I promise," he says softly. His hand comes up to wipe a tear from Gabe's cheek, looking him in the face. "I would never dream of letting you go. You know that." He pulled the other close again, so he could bury his face against the young man's hair. Trying to prove that he would never force Gabe away.

Gabe looks at the other, brows knit. Trying to will himself not to cry, not to show weakness. Not in front of Niles, who he's championed. Niles can cry, it's up to Gabe to protect him. Like he did before.

"I know," He whispers. Seems to calm down once more, shoulders sloping, body no longer tight and coiled, looming and ready to strike. He can be himself. He can be with Niles without being on edge, for now.

For now.

Those hands stroke his face, and he tries to smile. It looks forced, almost pained. His hand goes to the back of Niles' head, stroking his hair for a few seconds, watchig him. Assessing.

And, slowly, pulls the other into a kiss.

There once had been a time when that's all Niles would have dreamed of. His arms wrapped around Gabe, their lips pressed together, nothing in the world but the two of them. That it was Niles drawing those delightful sounds from his friend, him in place of one of those girls.

But that was nearly twenty years ago. And so much had changed. In a way, Niles still wanted it. Just a few moments to think that everything was still okay. They'd gone into that chapel, and a few hours later walked out. Just another Sunday morning. The world never broke. The Votans remained peaceful. And after, he'd see Connor, and go watch the two of them play American Football. He knew that if he let it happen, for a brief and happy moment, everything would be okay.

And a week ago, he wouldn't even have hesitated. But now? Now he could only think that it wasn't Amanda in his arms. It wasn't Amanda's lips. And some how, it seemed only she could give him that sense, not Gabe. He bowed his head, just enough to avoid the kiss, feeling nothing more than the slightest brush of Gabe's lips. His own pressed into a thin line for a moment, fingers curling into a handful of the other's sweatshirt. "What are you doing?" He asked, more concerned and almost scared than anything.

Niles' head turns and Gabe feels something flare up in side him. Something he doesn't quite know, even for him, this tiny bit of power slipping and cracking. Like a mirror, broken.

A musicbox.

"Showing you how much the world doesn't matter when you have me here." His voice is soft, velvet, like when he's murmuring horrible thing in Alyssa's ear, or the words he said to Heather a month later. His arms wrap around the other, comforting, hands rubbing Niles' arms. "Trying to prove everything I do is for you."

Niles wanted to disagree. That there were still things that very much mattered. The republic. Re-election. Amanda. They could all still matter with Gabe there. He could have all of them if he wanted, but it was so hard to argue with just the way Gabe's voice sounded. Just as he'd always wished he'd heard it. Pressed against his ear, but whispering far more scandalous things. Niles could never quite tell what had been said to those girls, but with the way they reacted, he could only guess. And as his imagination grew, so did the possibilities.

A shiver ran down his spine. He'd never deny that everything Gabe did was for him. That's how it always was. They always put each other first. Always.

"I know, but..." He shook his head. The argument died in his throat. His fingers trailed over Gabe's sides, trying to find the words. "I can't." It's all he could say, and he couldn't even find the conviction for those two little words.

"If you can't..." Gabe's gaze lowers but his grip doesn't soften, and while he seems acquiescing, he's not quite defeated. Instead, he pulls Niles close. Puts one hand on his waist.

"Then just dance. You can think about everything later, Niles. Right now, it's this moment that's the only moment that exists."

He wants to see Niles fluttering, gliding across the room. Waltzing to the tune that's Gabe's and only Gabe's. Listening, following, being instructed by him. Don't think of anything, Niles. You don't have to. Gabe's here.

Niles' hand tightened on the other's sweatshirt. He wanted nothing more to just give in to that invitation. To hold Gabe close and just let him lead. It would be so easy. But it wasn't right to do it here in the office. Something was lacking. It wasn't right. But just maybe...

Niles tore himself away from Gabe with enough force that he staggered back against the desk. "No," he insisted. It took all of his strength to refuse. To turn away from all that he wanted. "Not until I figure this out." He reached for his desk chair. "Not until I know how to get the EGO into Amanda." Finally, some sense of conviction, even if his knees felt weak.

But maybe just a small break, they could go up to his apartment...

And he steps back from the pose, steps back from him despite Niles already moving back. Chin up, gaze proud, eyes hurt. Pained. Niles wants Amanda over Gabe that badly. Enough not to dance with him, not to perform the strange duet they both had, but Gabe leading; always leading. Sometimes with more force than others, but every time elegant, poised, perfected. Tragically beautiful, and wonderful in every sense of the word.

He steps over, gait surprisingly elegant for a high schooler, and stops NIles' hand as he touches the desk chair. Gently slides it away from him, and reaches in front of him to grab the other's hands. Gently guiding him to Amanda's file. He's close to him, so close, and he closes the file with Niles' hands, gently.

"Shhh, that can wait for tomorrow, when it's not so grey. Come up stairs with me, Niles. Dance."

If anyone else, even Amanda, touched him like that, Niles would have snapped. He would have pulled away and scolded them. But Gabe was always different. But still, there was a tension in him, as though he considered pulling away still. But that hand guiding his, Gabe always knew just what to do. With the file closed, he relaxed. He'd been working too hard. It was time for a break.

Tomorrow, he'd have a clear head and he could find the answer. Dancing with Gabe would fix it. This he knew, now. He'd earned it.

He turns his hand in Gabe's, grasping his friend's hand lightly. So close, he gently nuzzled against his friend. And when he pulled away, it wasn't with the same urgency as before. It was an invitation to follow. Without a word, he started for the door, leading Gabe by the hand.

He'd won.

The smile on his face sinks into the air like jagged fangs, fingers thorns as he brushes them against Niles' hands before taking it. His own grip is firm but comforting. Familiar, like old friends should be.

Gabe knows he's got Niles, now. For the rest of the day. The day will turn into a week, turn into a month. Gabe knows, if he wanted to, he can whisper in Niles' ear top eating, to stop caring for a while. To stop sleeping or sleep too much.

To never wake up.

They enter the house and Gabe is kicking off his shoes, messenger bag tumbling to the floor. It drops with a thud heavier than usual and he looks up, mid shoe-removal, and gives a flirtatious smirk in Niles' direction.

"Come on. You promised: right away, okaky?"

Was Niles leading them to the apartment, or was Gabe? He couldn't tell anymore. But it didn't matter. He just nodded, giving a soft smile back. He felt so very heavy, and yet what Gabe promised still seemed to be the best idea of the day. He lowered himself into one of the living room chairs to start unlacing his boots.

But before he could do more than get the knot undone, his gaze fell on the glasses on the table. The nearest one the the faintest smear of lipstick. He reached for it, picking it up as though it might break from touch alone. Amanda had sat in this very chair, telling him of her own experience. He remembered she'd said something to him, something so incredibly kind that he felt lighter than he'd ever felt. Why couldn't he remember it?

"Why don't we get a drink at the NeedWant, first?" he asked, his tone almost dreamy. If he saw her again, he might remember. And he might not feel so heavy. "We can dance after."

"No, Niles," And Gabe speaks with such softness, a lullaby in his words alone. Brushes fingertips along the other's shoulders, planting strings in each part of Niles' framework to make him dance later on. "I have a better idea." He reassures Niles with a smile. Comes back with a bottle of old-fashioned port and one, single crystalline tumbler.

He sets the bottle and glass down on the table, ignoring the others. Ignoring the lipstick for now. Gabriel opens the bottle, pours. Fills the tumbler and hands the glass to Niles, taking a swig from the bottle.

"We drink right here. I already poured it, so don't be rude."

Niles should have protested. Should have said something as Gabe grabbed the bottle. As he poured the drink. As he drank from the bottle. But all he could do was watch. It wasn't the drink he wanted, not really. It was the company. Amanda would be there with her warm smile and then he could remember what she'd said that made him feel so good.

Something about being alone? It was right there on the tip of his tongue.

"One drink," he insisted, fingers wrapping around the glass. He stares at how much Gabe poured. That wasn't one drink's worth, it was three. He shook his head. "Just the one," he repeated. "Then we go to the NeedWant." Then they go see Amanda.

Why wouldn't Gabe let him leave?

"Maybe," Gabe simply says, and that angelic smile is flashed in Niles' direction. The one he'd normally use to get out of trouble, or to have Niles do his homework while he messed around with Connor. He leans forward before moving so he can sit on the table opposite of Niles but to the side, feet propped up on the edge of the couch. Purposely hiding the other glasses.

"You know, you should really stop pushing yourself. Take some time, you know? For you. It's been crazy here, no one would blame you." Another swig.

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