palmstraps | Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

Niles was working late. More than settled in Defiance, now that Amanda was working for him. Better than that, she understood him. For the first time since he'd been a teenager, he shared the story of what had happened to him. Gabe had always told him that it was a terrible idea. It was better if only the two of them knew that horrible nightmare. But Gabe hadn't been there with him. Hadn't been there when his truck was held up and he was forced to strip. He didn't understand. He'd escaped that awful eleven days as one of the lucky few who hadn't been subjected to that awful treatment. And when Amanda had asked, he'd refused to share. Remembering his friend's words of warning. Of what someone might think of him. But with Amanda there, so caring and so gentle without prying, he'd opened up in a way he hadn't thought possible.

He felt better than he could ever remember. Amanda was finally warming to him. His plan with Doctor Yewll was going as smoothly as could be expected, now that the possible tech had been procured. Soon he'd be able to play the hero and rescue the sister thought dead. He'd be a hero and she'd never doubt him again. The only shadow over it all was that he hadn't heard from Gabe in almost a week. Not since his roller had been attacked.

That's how it always went, it seemed. Gabe couldn't be found when Niles needed him more than anything. Especially when it related to that day in particular. Just as he hadn't been there the day he'd been attacked. Yet he always seemed so incredibly jealous that Connor had been the one there to comfort Niles. It was something that he frequently questioned but tried so hard to not think about. Of everyone, Gabe had escaped without much in the way of injury. The rest of the students shunned him after that, and seemed to think Niles unwell for sticking by his friend.

Niles set down his pen, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in the dim light of his office. He needed to figure out a way to get Amanda unconscious. Deep enough that she could be given an injection in the back of her neck and not be woken up. Gabe was usually such a good sounding board for these things. Where the hell was he?

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"Shhh, shhh, shhhh." One hand moves away, and then the other, but that's because Gabriel is moving to the other's side, almost spinning, and he puts an arm around the other, exhaling.

"That's--wow. That's some messed up stuff," He confesses. Pauses for a moment before putting his other arm around the Mayor and kissing the top of his head. He pulls back so they're in a half-hug, hand rubbing up and down his arm. Soothing.

"How did you escape? What happened to them?"

Tension faded from Niles' almost immediately as he felt that arm around him. He leaned against Gabe slightly, feeling as though he might break down right there as relief flooded through him. Those lips against his hair. The arms around him. It's all he wanted. He twisted in his chair, his arm moving around Gabe's waist, not wanting to pull his head from that familiar chest.

"They got what they wanted," he said, his voice softer and less tense. "There was an argument and..." he just shook his head. "By the time I looked up, they were gone."

"They're gone." Gabe's eyes snap open, that strange look back. That glare. He shakes his head, just a tad, and leans back to look straight at Niles. His arms are still around him, comforting, protecting, but the look is a strange mix of confusion and cautioness.

"What do you mean, 'they were gone'? You haven't tracked them down yet? Haven't made them responsible?! Niles!" As if this was his fault. The confusion turns into rage: anger, that someone would hurt Niles.

"After all you've been through," He states, sharp, hissing, almost snake like, diction crisp and clear. And, all at once, he's detached himself from Niles. Is zipping up his hoodie and grabbing his messenger back, as if in a hurry to go. Rage still on his face.

"I'll be right back." He was going to find them, no doubt. Kill them.

Niles looked up at Gabe, an arm still around his waist, just wanting that comfort to stay. But that look in the other's face cuts it far too short. And suddenly he finds it difficult to find his voice again. That hiss, that rage. He tried to grab Gabe before he could get too far away, but he was too slow. And Niles was left feeling cold and hollow.

Panic. The tiniest shard of memory lodging in his conscious mind like a piece of glass. Brittle and cutting, but indistinct. Something about Gabe charging off triggered it, and he just knew he couldn't let his friend leave.

"Stop," he called out, rising to his feet. "Nolan's already on it. As are several of my men. I sent them to find them as soon as I got back. There's only so many places for bandits to hide. Please, just...stay here. With me." He reached an unsteady, leather-covered hand out to the young man.

"They did this to you!" Gabe had pivoted and turned in an instant, taking a few steps towards Niles, looking as if, for a moment, he was going to take his aggression out on Niles instead of the men.

"The only reason Nolan's even law keeper is because he's fucking Amanda. We both know it!" Hands clamp down on the other's shoulders, squeezing. Reassuring. His gaze softens, licking his lips. Eager or apologetic, it's hard to tell. "He's going to take pity on them and release them. If you don't do something, they're going to walk. Get a slap on the wrist for reminding you of all of the things that happened, how piss got into all that glass in your hand and left it infected. You don't need that. We need to do something, Niles."

Niles settled his hands on Gabe's arms, trying to calm him, trying to some how interrupt the tired. But no one could cow him faster than Gabe. That look, those words. He always knew how to halt Niles in his tracks. And then there was that mention of the glass and he tensed so hard his fingers dug into Gabe's forearms.

"Please don't do this," he said, the panic evident in his voice. Frantically, he tried to remember his own plans. There'd been a plan, even as he furiously ordered Nolan to find the men with such little to go on. "Nolan has to keep them long enough to process them," he explained, his words quicker than he would have liked. "That's when we'll have them. Make Nolan do the leg work, and he'll deliver them to us. Just please, stay here." He searched Gabe's face, pleadingly. Just let him be content for a few minutes.

"I don't like seeing you like this," Gabe said, talking softly as if answering the other's questions despite him not asking any. He slides his arms up and out of the other's iron grip, only to rub at his arms, back to comforting him. There's still a bit of anger in his face, but it's melted to determination. As if Niles said the right thing.

"I just want to help you. Like you helped me, remember?" That dulcet, soft tone. Soothing. Gentle. "I want to see you safe. Promise me you'll get the guys that did this to you?"

Niles calmed a little when Gabe seemed to let go of his anger. And the words helped. He was able to let go of that panic, and to stop trying to chase that memory that seemed to elude him. Maybe it was just a bad dream he'd had that he couldn't place. He'd certainly had plenty of those in the past.

"I promise," he said, his voice far less tense now. He brought his hand up to rest it against Gabe's cheek, leather pressing to that familiar face. "You do help me, just by being here. Knowing that no matter what you'll be sa--" He cut off. There it was again. That terrible sense of a memory he couldn't place. His hand flinched back from Gabe's face, just slightly, before he slowly pulled it back. "...be safe..." he finished, distracted.

"Just don't go after them," he snapped, suddenly stern. He pulled away to return to his desk.

"Fine. Jesus," His eye roll is apparent, pointed, and he leans into the touch. He's loved. Acknowledged, admired. He's here. Here, in front of Niles. Standing there, watching him.

Protecting him, Gabe was sure. Being there for him. The word slip up is caught, as is the hesitation. Something happening, a slip. Niles learning something. Or remembering, perhaps?

Gabe's mouth presses into a thin line, and watches as the other goes back to his desk. Gabe takes a few steps back, too, looking at the other. Staring at the other. A few steps to the right, a few steps to the left, watching him in his chair with silence, eyes locked onto his figure.

He can still feed off of this. He can still live.

"Niles?" He asks. Calm and innocent sounding--like when he was scared at night, dreaming about his family being attacked while he was away. "Do you ever think about what you'd do to them? Not the raiders, the ones... From before."

Niles settled back into his chair, taking far too much time to smooth out his suit coat. To check the straps around his hands. To get everything just so. He was uncomfortable. Nervous. Generally uneasy from something he couldn't quite place.

Then came that tone. It reminded him of the night after. When Gabe tried to talk to him in the dark. Everyone was so scared, and he couldn't even see his friend. He was too afraid to respond. Why didn't they hear it? Why hadn't anyone else stirred?

"I try to not think on it," he said, cutting off his own questions as much as Gabe's question. "Most of them were killed by the soliders who came. The rest likely died soon after." It was a tone that usually allowed no argument.

"And you're okay with it." There's something dripping from Gabe's words: malcontent. He's glaring, but not at Niles, at something on the wall as he takes a few steps away. Moves back to the other side of the desk but doesn't sit in the chair, instead sits on the desk.

He's not mad, Niles. He's disappointed.

His hands run down his face, as if trying to think of another option. As if he's the huffy teenager trying to explain to a younger Niles why Football should just be called Soccer because Football was a better sport anyway, and Connor likes it, so Niles should just stop asking questions and go watch them or something.

"I think you know what you'd do," He suggests. "I think you know what to do once Nolan cuts those guys free, too."

"I try to not think about it," Niles insisted, his words sharp. He didn't like it when Gabe got like this. It was comforting to know someone understood, but why couldn't he just leave it alone? Why couldn't he see it was the last thing Niles wanted to be thinking about right now? The more it came up, the more he wanted it to just all go away.

"And yes, I DO know," he insisted. He only had a vague plan that involved broken bones, but that's all he needed. "But what I don't know is how I'm going to get Amanda unconscious so Yewll can get that blasted EGO into her."

His tone was sharp and clipped. He didn't want to discuss the nightmare, he wanted to focus on the present. He didn't care what it was called. He had classes to study for and he'd rather be doing that than sitting in the hot sun while the two American boys he so badly wanted tackled each other on the grass.

"Amanda." So much emotion in one word: anger, mostly. A different type of anger, not the type he had with the raiders, but the kind that's blue-white. Worry. Resentment.

Fear.

"Why do you want to?" He asks, voice filled with contempt and cautiousness. A worry, almost. "You know whatever you do she's going to just fuck the lawmaker."

He'd been sitting on the desk, but, after rolling his shoulders, Gabe turns on the table and winds up sitting on it completely, facing Niles, Converse shoes on either side of the chair's arms. Looking down at him, making it almost like a plea.

"You've tried everything. Give it up, there's no way she'll go for you."

"If I do this," Niles explained, settling his hands on Gabe's thighs, "It'll be something Nolan could never do. I'll return her sister to her. Once I do that, Nolan will be nothing but a distant memory."

Why couldn't Gabe understand how big this was? It wasn't about just claiming the former mayor for himself anymore. She understood him. In a way that was different than Gabe. She wasn't there, and yet she still accepted him for who and what he was. The may disagree but she'd never judge him. And her touch was so soft, so gentle.

Gabe didn't know. Niles hadn't told him that part, yet. He feared saying it, feared another wave of that terrifying anger. If Gabe knew...what would he do?

"She's...she's our last link to Connor," he admitted. "They were engaged. With him god, we...we could almost be like we were."

No.

No, Gabe was slipping. Niles was falling and Gabe was supposed to catch him, not mess up the grip. There wasn't supposed to BE an Amanda.

It was them. It was just them, only them, and Gabe finds himself shaking. Not with anger, but with fear. He knows Niles can feel him, trembling. Afraid. Like he'd been looking into the eyes of the Votan, the sleek, reptilian Indogene before everything...

And it's gone. Just like that, Gabe knits himself together. Finds another skin.

"Niles," He speaks, and there's just a speck of firmness. Of desperation, trying to seep into the Mayor's pores. Gabriel is nourishing himself on Niles' indecisiveness, growing stronger with each unsure look. He looks down at the older man, and, with one hand, grabs Niles by the chin to make sure the other was staring at him.

"I am your last link with Connor. Not Amanda. Me. And I don't want to lose you. I can't. If I lost you, I.. I don't know what I'd do."

A deep breath.

"I don't trust her."

Edited 2015-06-15 11:39 (UTC)

Forced to look up at Gabe, Niles couldn't hide what washed over him. He felt betrayed. Wounded. Afraid. Desperate. Why couldn't he have them both? As a student, it seemed an impossible concept. How could he ever have two when he wanted them both the same? But now it was different. He wanted them in different ways. Gabe, his ever-present friend. Amanda, so caring and gentle. He swore he could see a future where having them both was possible.

"Don't say that," he pleaded, his hands moving up to Gabe's waist. "You just don't know her. She didn't trust us, either. When we first arrived she hated us. Despised everything we stood for. But that's changed. Just talk to her and you'll see."

No one else could make him sound so very weak. Pathetic and begging. But there was no one else quite like his friend.

He will. He'll say it as much as he can, to twist the knife. Get under Niles' fingernails, scratch at his brain. Pick, and pick, and pick away at his very soul, and even then Gabe will be yearning for more and longing for that pained look in Niles' eyes. He can't feed off of those fears, can't burn Niles' wings if someone's in the way.

Gabe is immediate, Gabe is gratification now, of suffering of pain of pleasure of comfort, and those hands on his hips remind both him and Niles, he thinks, that Gabe is here. Forever.

Or does it?

"You're in love with her," He says softly. Draws his hands away, shaking his head. A discovery, as if Gabe had never thought of it before instead of spending all of time consumed by it. "I leave for a few days and--and you've fallen in love with someone?"

And he's sitting up, now, pushing off of Niles. Crossing his arms like it's suddenly too cold in the room, moving over to a window. Less fire, more sadness. Digging and chipping away at Niles' guilt with resentment. "We understand each other. We--we have a bond."

Edited 2015-06-15 20:38 (UTC)

"Please don't--" But before Niles could protest, Gabe had pulled away. He was off the desk and by the window. And it hurt. Worse than he thought possible, worse than mere words every could. Because having Gabe there in front of him was a sort of comfort. It made that disapproval so incredibly final. why couldn't Gabe just see how good Amanda could be for them? She was what they needed more than anything.

Slowly, he rose from his desk, moving over to Gabe. His hands settled on the other's shoulders, trying to get him back.

"It's not that," he tried to explain. "It's just...our plans are working better than expected. She trusts me, now." Me. Not us. "She...she opened up. More than she could with the likes of Nolan. This plan...it's just to close the deal."

"She trusts you."

He's still staring away, gaze far, away, looking at the horizon. Thinking. There's a pain in his eyes, something he tries to hide from Niles. The other is touching him, hands on shoulders, but Gabe's not there. Not truly.

Niles was slipping. Slipping, slipping, and Gabe's fist clenches. He can't loose Niles. He's too hungry, too vibrant.

Too alive.

"Close the deal for what?"

"For the Republic," Niles assured, feeling his chest tighten. They'd been over this. Gabe knew more than anyone what they were doing. What all of this was for.

"Amanda has a great deal of influence here. If we win her over, I can win the election and actually have the power to change this place. I..."

He let out a slow breath, shaking his head. Gabe already knew all of this. Niles reached up, a hand on the young man's cheek, trying to make the other look at him. "She could trust you, too. You just need to give her a chance to see the real you."

He tears his gaze away from the window, that hand on his cheek, but doesn't look at Niles. Instead, he's looking just at his jaw, not quite making his gaze.

Amanda. Amanda. All Niles talked about was Amanda. He could handle it with Connor, with the man that they both lost.

"Amanda doesn't understand," He says softly. His lower lip juts out not in a pout, but it's nothing faked. He looks like, for a moment, he's going to cry. "Amanda will never understand, because she wasn't there. I was there. I saw you, and.... And what they did... You don't need Amanda," He mumbles, and his hand moves up. Touching Niles' cheek, mirroring his movements. He leans forward, gently touching their foreheads together.

"You just need me."

Niles closed his eyes, just focusing on the contact. As if he could just will Gabe to understand the nuances of this. It wasn't the same. He doubted he could ever actually love Amanda. Or anyone. Even what he and Gabe had, it was certainly a bond, but it wasn't love. That was something he just wasn't capable of. But couldn't he just have more than one person who understood? She didn't have to have been there to know his pain. He saw that in her eyes when he'd told her. All she needed was the story, and it was as though the monster didn't exist anymore. Just like all of those old world stories. The monster only killed because it wasn't given a choice. All it needed was a gentle touch to remember that it too had once been human...

His thumb rubbed at Gabe's cheek, his other hand wrapping around his waist to pull him closer. He'd never let go of his friend, he knew that. They'd always have something because there wasn't anyone else left who had been there. But they could have more, couldn't they? Other people who'd survived the war with scars well beyond the physical.

Gabe needed to know. It wasn't his place to tell Amanda's story, but Gabe needed it. "She may not have been there, but someone else...someone did the same thing to her."

He's pulled closer and Gabe's head pulls back slightly, listening to the other. It's when the other mentions Amanda, mentions all she's gone through, that makes him scoff and push him away. He really does act like a teenager at times--rebellious. Pushy. He's always been a little shit.

Even here, it hasn't changed.

"Who cares?! She's fucking the law keeper. I mean, look at her, she needs to fix things. That's what she does, she fixes things. People. And we can't be fixed, Niles. We can't. You're her replacement for fixing her sister because her sister is actually dead somewhere in a ditch. She doesn't like you, she likes the IDEA of you. I don't want you around her, it's too painful for me to watch."

And, softer: "I don't like seeing you destroying yourself."

Niles' grip tightened, wanting to stop Gabe before he could say anything more. Before he could rip any deeper. But he knew better. He knew he couldn't guard against those barbs as they sank deep into him, tearing him open.

Usually, it worked so well. He'd hold on tighter. Agree with Gabe that he was beyond fixing. But what he'd felt with Amanda, it was so incredibly REAL. Unlike anything he'd felt with anyone else. It was just enough for him to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could be fixed. Or close to it.

Even as Gabe's voice softened, Niles pulled away. He withdrew his hands, stepping back. "Is it so bad to want to be fixed?" He asked, sounding wounded. "She lost her sister. And Connor. I've lost--" His stomach twisted. There was that sense again. That elusive memory. What was it?! "--so much. She could be good for us both!"

"Fine!" Gabe spun around, face full of fire, all consuming, all encompassing. "What do you think you're going to tell her, hmmm? She knows some of your secrets. You want her to understand you? Us?"

His scoff is back, the rude, unapologetic teenager. The one desperately trying to fit in to a world where even the humans he stayed with had different customs. He shakes his head, not moving from where he is. Right in Niles' face, wondering why he wasn't clinging to him like usual. Why he wasn't able to latch onto him.

"Tell her about the brush, if she understands you so well."

Edited 2015-06-16 01:56 (UTC)

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